guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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