I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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