there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
