he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
