There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
