We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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