is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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