All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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