I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
