i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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