I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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