i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
