you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
