just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
