You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
