4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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