i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize