I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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