I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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