someone threw a dead crab at me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
