Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
