I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
