You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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