I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
