Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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