It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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