At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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