my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
