you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
