I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
