Ketchup is God's man juice
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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