not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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