I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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