Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
