Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
