Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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