i wish there were pregnant emoticons
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
worst night to have a conscience
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
