She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
