Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
