i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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