I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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