The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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