and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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