if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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