Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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