dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
