I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
