So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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