If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize