she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
