Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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