i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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