he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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