i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My penis needs a shock collar
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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