...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
