if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
