I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
