i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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